(Sigh)
I've been keeping a list.
I don't know the exact moment I started doing it, I actually think I made it retroactive at one point, so the timeline is blurry for me.
And over the weekend I came to the conclusion that I've been sentenced to "death by 1,000 paper-cuts".
The list looks something like this:
June and July: Shingles
August 14: Nigel, our beloved dog - the most perfect dog on the planet!!! - dies. He had a progressively worsening disease (ossifying spondylosis) and he was suffering. He was in pain, he was fecally incontinent, and it was even hard for him to breath. So we made a difficult phone call to the vet, and had him put down.
Unfortunately one of the children I was baby-sitting for at the time took it upon herself to explain to the children what would happen to Nigel, in a traumatic way, and my very logic-oriented boy wanted to know "Why do you have to kill Nigel, mama?" We waded through that emotional mess for several weeks.
August 25: I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. It was a faint line - but there was definitely a line. After almost 7 years of secondary infertility... hopes... dreams... prayers.... This was big news.
August 29: I took another pregnancy test and it was negative. This is not a papercut... it's more like a severed artery.
September 1st: Another negative pregnancy test. Whoever that little bean was in there, they are not there any longer. I'm still wading through this one.
September 18: We find out some hard-to-hear-news about the health of an extended family member.
And all of these big things put me in a downward spiral. And my list became more petty. I felt like someone was playing a practical joke on me. Every day something would go wrong and set me off. Here's a sampling of the last five days:
Wednesday: I decided to be a good wife and throw something in the crockpot - a roast. After it simmered away for about 4 hours I took a peek at it and gasped. You know that little absorbent pad they package meat with? The thing between the meat and the foam tray? Yeah, I boiled it with my roast. It was floating at the top. Pot Roast in Plastic Soup. I called the butcher and he said it was safe to eat. My herbalist probably would have told me to throw it all out, but I didn't call her.
After I pulled out my "secret ingredient" and tossed it in the garbage I needed to feel good about something so I decided to clean the bathroom. I squirted the toilet bowl cleaner where it needed to go. I was very careful because we use the nasty stuff (hard water) and put it away. I noticed a piece of meat stuck in my teeth (I had to taste the aforementioned roast to make sure it didn't taste like plastic) and as I tried to pick it out I got a drop of toilet bowl cleaner on my tongue. Aaaaahhhhhh! Great! I swished and swished with water. I even rubbed soap on it. Then I swished some more. It eventually stopped tingling and it didn't appear that I had any chemical burns - so I didn't go to the doctor. I'm trusting my liver to handle that one for me.
Thursday: We noticed an ever increasing funky smell in our laundry room. We also keep the cat boxes nearby, so I wasn't exactly sure up to this point if there was funk or not. But, at this point we were very low on clean clothing. I had been focusing my efforts on homeschooling pretty heavily and had fallen behind on the domestic chores. As Iris and I were about to switch the clothes to the dryer the funk was unmistakable. But where was it coming from? And then I stuck my head in the dryer. Eeewwwwwww! I called Tim at work and said "It smells like death!"
And I was right.
A clever little chipmunk figured out how to peel back the flap on the dryer vent outside. He tumbled down and into our dryer exhaust vent. Unfortunately his cleverness was not rewarded. He died.
Tim investigated that evening when I was at knitting circle, and called with his discovery. He said it was a little like CSI when he disconnected the vent in the back and maggots fell out. Yeah, it was that bad. Tim removed the corpse, cleaned it out with enzyme cleaner, and let it air out. The next day he bleached it. I sprayed extra strength Febreeze everywhere, every day, and put out some cotton balls soaked in peppermint oil. (Tim says the combo of the original smell mixed with peppermint has ruined candy canes for him forever.) We also have left a box of baking soda in the drum.
We really need to do laundry... so Tim did some last night. He thinks his clothes smell fine, I disagree. Although I may do some laundry of my own today. A girl can only spend so many days in her pajamas.
Friday: The kids come down with a yucky cold. Tim followed suit on Saturday.
Saturday: My camera died. (sobbing at this point) MY CAMERA DIED!!! Ugh. I love my camera. I love taking pictures. I am always taking pictures. It's a pretty serious hobby of mine. And due to a recent commitment to our finances and enrolling in Financial Peace University, it will probably be a while before I can replace it. It was an investment, I haven't had it for more than two years, and now it's a brick.
Sunday: I smash two fingers on my right hand in a window. They are still numb, but it looks like I won't lose the nails and I can still type. Even though it hurts when I type the letters k, l, i, o, ",", and "."
I seriously started to feel like someone was hiding around the corner, ready to pop out at any moment to inform me I was on Candid Camera (I'll link it for those of you too young to get that reference -grin-).
Meanwhile I keep reciting: "Are you kidding me? What is up????"
And then it dawned on me (after about the 30th time of repeating this list to myself) that I made a list. Not a good list. A very bad list. It has been seeping into my life and the littlest thing will now set me off. I have no patience, little kindness, and my daily time with the Lord has suffered.
The turning point was when a voice in my head said
"This isn't what Ann has taught you!"
So I confess my sin of dwelling on negative, for taking my eyes off of God, and for wallowing in my misery. And I'm going to choose to look at the positives. I figure I need a lot of positives to counter-act all the negatives I've been marinating in.
I'm going to add to the list of things I am grateful for every day this week...
I am Grateful for:
25. Garden Green Beans.
26. That my children are home with me, and that I am home with them.
27. A Grandma that is so loving that I can hear the smile on her face when I call her on the phone.
28. A new puppy. Not a replacement, but a new adventure.
29. Time with my babies, even if I can only number it in days.
30. For dear Christ-sisters that hold me up in prayer when I fall flat on my face.
(Thank you. You know who you are.)
31. A warm house when the wind blows so cold.
32. My very handsome husband, who loves me even when I have no idea why.
33. A new (to us) commuter car for my husband so the children and I can have our van back! What a huge blessing! Now we can get out whenever we want need to!
34. Good friends that like going on long walks.
35. Autumn is knocking on our door!
36. Full cupboards and a full freezer.
37. Bleach. (I try to clean as naturally and environmentally responsible as I can, but I was very happy to discover that last 2 cups of bleach hiding away under the sink on Thursday night...)
38. I am so grateful that my God is there. When I call on Him, and when I don't call on Him. When I'm optimistic and when I'm pessimistic. When I am submitting and when I am sassing off. Nothing I do can change Him or where He sits. Hallelujah!
